The Good Place

What can I write about today. Can it be that sometimes we are loosing our inspiration momentarily or, is just a bad day.

As much as I try to ponder on that, I cant find a satisfactory answer no matter how hard I try. Feeling empty or obsessed by some thoughs doesnt bring anything but sorrow. How can we control our own minds, designing objectively a clear line of thought, a positive way to put us in a happier state?

Well, we could try finding a muse, one which should indeed help us “survive” a little longer and a little brighter. So how about a TV series called The Good Place?!

Tiresome feelings.

And so it begins again. It’s always mostly at night although it does manifest in the mornings too. I’ll take this out of any rule we have and just call it a stressful feeling.

Thinking about death constantly. Thinking about how to die in a way that’s not gonna make me feel any pain, at least not during my dying breath. I’m trying to imagine how it could be. You take whatever pills and if successful you never wake up. No more of those tiresome feelings, no more worries about how I could’ve done this or that better, no more regrets that tear you apart constantly, no more slavery just to pay taxes and hardly get by, no more looking for meanings, no more of everything.

Just the end, the end of it all and that’s the difference between life and death. Life is everything, death is nothing. No matter how calmly and logically one can realise how true this is and for a moment feel at ease, the same overwhelming feeling returns over, and over again. Simply unstoppable.

I wonder how long it takes before the distress will get you to commit, and execute your very last action. Its so bloody tough and pills can only make it worse. They take you out from true reality and in the end never pay off or worse.

Letter to my son.

You know, I wanted to share this with you. Really don’t know how exactly you feel about me. We both know that you don’t say much. The least I would think of me should have I been in your place, I would described my character as very unusual.

I hope you’re not embarrassed or even ashamed with what I’m doing. I was lucky enough to get to the point where I finally understood the ultra large picture and not the thumbnail icon throu which we normally see.

Looking at the thumbnail icon, we think we understood clearly what’s there, our brain classifies the image and done. In fact, we only see a small photo, we know what it is but we can’t see the exact details. Just like life. You always think that you know everything about it and you carry on.

Then, you take one wrong direction and you realise that everything you knew was so little. Those experiences, and I’m sure we all get plenty as we grow old, made me realise what’s more important for me. To extinguish the burning fire of remorse which would have lasted forever leading to my demise. To do the right thing.

For almost 3 years I lived hell on earth under the apparent happy face. I don’t know why it took so long, why almost a lifetime, however, just like I told you, WE ONLY LEARN FROM OUR OWN EXPERIENCES, no matter what others tell us and I am no different.

Maybe you can call me a slow learner if you want to make fun of me. I accept it. Bottom line is this. I have nothing else to prove myself besides leaving you with something good enough to avoid living what I had to live.

I’m not important and don’t need much besides my latte and my Davidoff cigarettes addiction so all that I’m concentrated now it’s you. Take advantage of me and what I am felling as meant to do.

Participate and say yes to every opportunity. Each one, wether you think you like it or not, will leave you with more, not less. In the real life, the chances to finding something to be paid and do exactly what you want are small to none.

The real deal is finding something you wont at least dislike. Be more enthusiastic, you have nothing to lose but a little time away from the 2 computer screens.

Just like the guy in the photo we have to push ourselves to succeed. He managed to lift almost half a tone and that’s the determination you need by your side to make it happen.

I love you, dad!

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Live it. It’s short!

Haven’t spoken to a dear friend for over 2 years. As we were living in different countries we used to check in every now and then, always keeping the connection we found years ago.

He was a big hearted man, full of the kind of humanity we so rarely find on people. Being around his country travelling and planning to visit, I gave him a call just yesterday evening. No reply, his handy was off.

Didn’t worry much, we sometimes switch them off especially evenings but had a weird feeling for a minute or so.

Tried again this morning and still no reply. The phone was off. Found his wife’s phone number and called. She answered momentarily and when she heard my voice started crying straight away, knowing that me and him didn’t speak for quite a while.

That very second I knew something irreparable happened and started crying instantly as well, feeling her pain. It lasted minutes and she didn’t have to actually say anything.

They were the most amazing couple I’ve ever seen. Between them it was that pure biblical love. They were together since they were 16 and been together for over 40 years.

Healthy guy, healthy life, beautiful grand children, a generous person full of care for others, without any self interest whatsoever.

Came home and simply dropped dead. Aneurism and heart failure in minutes. She was away and never got to say farewell or one last I love you.

It may be late to tell someone how much you care or how much you love them and this proves how fragile we are no matter how healthy we appear to be.

Farewell my dear friend.

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