And so it begins again. It’s always mostly at night although it does manifest in the mornings too. I’ll take this out of any rule we have and just call it a stressful feeling.
Thinking about death constantly. Thinking about how to die in a way that’s not gonna make me feel any pain, at least not during my dying breath. I’m trying to imagine how it could be. You take whatever pills and if successful you never wake up. No more of those tiresome feelings, no more worries about how I could’ve done this or that better, no more regrets that tear you apart constantly, no more slavery just to pay taxes and hardly get by, no more looking for meanings, no more of everything.
Just the end, the end of it all and that’s the difference between life and death. Life is everything, death is nothing. No matter how calmly and logically one can realise how true this is and for a moment feel at ease, the same overwhelming feeling returns over, and over again. Simply unstoppable.
I wonder how long it takes before the distress will get you to commit, and execute your very last action. Its so bloody tough and pills can only make it worse. They take you out from true reality and in the end never pay off or worse.